just so you know, this one is good and raw. it’s been a tear-down-the-walls couple of weeks (probably just the first of many more to follow), and even though it’s past 2am, and i’ll most likely be awake again in a few hours, here you have it. how do i start this?

here’s one of the things that i’m learning: if you’re going to think it and/or feel it, you may as well write it. lately, i’ve taken to writing things on pages that i leave by my bed, on grocery receipts in the car, and on my own arms with a trusty sharpie. and of course, in my new journal (it has an old-fashioned bicycle on the cover <3). i’ll write into the quiet hours of the morning, when the light is a deep shade of remembering-blue. and here’s the most important thing: i’ll write, even if what i’m writing is messy and scary and real.

and these days, most of it is just that – messy, scary, real, things like that. i will be the first to tell you that in the midst of no more walls, my idol of choice is the need for comfort and for control. so it logically follows that i am terrified of letting God heal this place in me, because it will be anything but comfortable and because it means that i’ll have to let go of my illusion of control. and plus, when it really comes down to it, i trust myself wayyy more than i trust the good Lord right about now. i am a daughter of eve.

but you see, that’s not how this story ends. i still don’t understand it, but i’ve heard that God loves me too much to let me stay in this place of comfort and shame. and that’s why i happened to take the book from ryan’s shelf and it’s why i opened it after two weeks of staring at it and it’s why i now have a standing appointment with nate and ellen (christie’s coming too) on thursday afternoons. a part of me wonders, is this for real? Jesus really wants to sit in this mess with me and redeem it into something beautiful? he really isn’t afraid of this the way that i am? he wants to actually take me by the hand and lead me through this valley? does he really want to be my hiding place? but then i remember that God has scars too, and somehow, that brings comfort to this little girl heart of mine. it makes me think of butterflies.

i think that somewhere deep down, underneath all of my fear and stubbornness and pride, there’s something more. deep down, i’m excited to see what no more shame looks like. i’ve heard about it, thought about it, read about it, journaled about it, prayed about it, and sung about it. yet there are parts of my life that haven’t been changed by the gospel. there are parts where i haven’t let myself live it. wondering what it will look like when no more shame becomes what is true for me. i have a feeling that it will be strangely beautiful.

and in the meantime, God is holding me here, even when i’m fighting it (and believe me, i fight it). still though, his love is surrounding me in the form of friendies who give me food and hugs and places to sleep (i’m currently embracing the nomadic lifestyle) and socks and more hugs and they pray too. grateful that they’ve got my back and are going to walk through this with me.

when my world falls apart, come to me with the Story. tell me grace and truth. no matter how scary the night, tie that scarlet ribbon in my hair, and sing to me about how he loves.

this is not at all what i was planning to write about tonight, but oh wellz. the post that i was originally planning to erm, post, is mostly written, but it still needs more. it is a work in progress. hey, sorta like me : ) i actually don’t know why i put that smiley there. at the moment, i am not a fan of the process, because it is hard work. yep that’s right. aaand it will probably get harder before it gets easier. cuz isn’t that what it’s all about? learning (by grace upon grace) how to cling to Jesus and nothing else in the midst of the joy and the pain. that is a story that is to-be-continued. i’m just beginning to learn.

in the meantime though, something i’ve been thinking about: did You ever wonder what You were getting Yourself into? i am impulsive, irresponsible, prideful, stubborn, and a downright ragamuffin, but You still love me with that crazy love of Yours. You’ve known all about me and still loved me from the start. You’ve made me new. and even though i forget so easily – how could it possibly be that my King would die for me? – and even though i begin to wander, truth always shines in with this: nothing is too wonderful for the Lord.

that is what i want to learn this year.

dear pandora classical christmas station, you’re just great. thanks for letting me listen to you and celebrate the birth of the little baby Boy who changed the face of history and this heart. lalala Savior in a manger, You’ve been giving me chills and filling my eyes with tears lately when i think about the Story. help me to worship You fully.

lately on my drives from amherst to south hadley and back again, i’ve been listening to an old cd of my gran’s: hymns in the vineyard. i’ve never really stopped to listen to hymns quite this much, but now that i brought back the cd after thanksgiving, i figured i’d try it. and i’ve been pleasantly surprised! my current favorite tracks are #3 (it’s a medley) and #18 (turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in his wonderful face, and the things of earth will grow strangely dim in the light of his glory and grace). i wonder what my gran’s favorites were. maybe hers were #3 and #18 too. <3

after thanksgiving, i also brought back my winter boots and winter coat : ) as well as a selection of dvds: the american president, the first narnia (i recently received the compliment that i look like lucy! she’s always been my favorite) and war dance. excited to watch them on the first floor.

i find it hard to believe that today marks the beginning of december. do you remember a year ago at this time when i was siiiiick? it started as a mystery, then it was pericarditis, then it was graves disease, then it was an allergic reaction, then it was i. could. not. walk. i could only shuffle along, very slowly and very painfully. everything ached. it felt like i was being held down by heavy weights.

God was there though. after a few nights in the hospital, i woke up one morning, and expecting to have to fight with my arm so that it would move towards the glass of water on my nightstand, i started to inch it upwards. instead, though, my arm shot up above my head, which had been impossible prior to that morning. what can i say? we had been praying for a miracle that would stun the doctors. do you remember when God said that he was stronger than pain? do you remember when he said that he’s the Healer? he had told me in my beautiful uganda the summer before, but he wanted to show me here in massachusetts too, so that i would know that he is the same God here as he is there. so he was here when i was afraid and he was here when it hurt and he was here when i was waiting in the emergency room with my dad and he was here when i was getting jars of blood drawn and he was here when they hooked me up to the machines and he was here when i couldn’t lift my arms to praise him but he told me to still sing sacred symphonies anyway. the circumstances seemed dark, but the darkness was not dark to him. to my King, that night was as radiant as the dawn.

see the morning.

i also recently tried a new idea for a recipe. it all started when i called my momma from the grocery store and asked her how to tell if an acorn squash was ripe. (random side-note: squash always makes me think of squantum which always make me think of quantum. now! aren’t you so glad that you learned something new about me?) so anyway. the credit for this recipe goes to miss sarah hopson, who was making it one time when i was at her house before valley girls. basically, you cut an acorn squash in half, scoop out the seeds, and put it in the oven, along with a little bit of water in the pan (not sure if you’re supposed to have the oven on bake or broil. erm, oh wellz.) while that’s in the oven, either baking or broiling, you make rice pilaf on the stovetop, and then add some extras to it: i tried dried (rhymes!) cranberries and cut up chicken. once the squash is soft, you spoon some of the rice pilaf mixture into it, and there you go. it tastes almost like thanksgiving!

I’M EXCITED FOR THANKSGIVING! no hives or swollen joints this year! thank You Jesus WHAT WHAT!

can you tell that this post is a stream of consciousness one? yep, so can i.

one of my favorite pastimes these days is loving people through baked goods.

bow chicka wow wow since we’re on the topic of kitchen things, i recently got a haircut in that very room! needless to say, rachel condry is lalala amazing.

and so is rachel roca! dear miss rachel roca, hi. <3 just wanted to let you know that i’m thinking about you : )

other updates, let’s see. the boarding house has had many mouse adventures in the past ten days or so. never a dull moment around here, that’s for sure. i’ve been transporting the little fuzzies to different places all over the valley, most notably mount holyoke and the hampshire farm center. then they can run free.

ohh, speaking of farms, baby shea’s new favorite book is the big red barn. this baby’s got good taste yo. the big red barn is written by margaret wise brown, who also happened to write goodnight moon. simple, rhythmic text. love it.

also on the topic of things i love, coffee dates. put a cup of hot cocoa between my palms, give me your face to settle across from, tell me your story, and i’m a joyful girl. most of these coffee dates take place in mount holyoke’s library atrium or right across the street in the thirsty mind. and if you get my monthly ministry updates, you may have heard that once a week, this coffee date involves reading through the book of john with yang, a junior at mount holyoke. we go section by section so that we can paint a picture of Jesus. who is he? and what does he want from me? we started at the very beginning last week, and talked about the Word who moved into the neighborhood, full of grace and truth. trusting that salvation is coming for this girl’s soul.

at valley girls last tuesday, we talked about giving life, in both a physical and a spiritual sense. such a good conversation. prayer request: that Jesus would fill our cups with his life, so that we can overflow in worship to him and in lifegiving to others. cuz love alone, on our own, is not enough to hold us up. we’ve got to touch Your robe.

so swing Your robe down low.

367 north pleasant street now has power once again after the end-of-october snowstorm. our house was dark (and chilly!) for six days, during which i became familiar with the nomadic lifestyle of moving from one place to another. i woke up in south hadley at 15 ashfield lane on a few mornings, as well as in northampton at 36 highland avenue (lois and tracy’s <3). yaya for hospitality and friendies in warm places : )

the snowstorm itself was a touch unexpected, as it was wayyy too early – it’s still fall and there are still leaves on the trees – and even included lightening. i personally think that this was yet another indication that Jesus is going to come back soon. maranatha.

along with the snow came the opportunity to get dressed up in summer clothes and take photographs outside with the housemates. yep, you read that right. we had tons of fun! i wore a green skirt, a red shirt with a heart on it (christmas colors), and my flip flops. side-note: when you start listening to christmas music, is it time to put away your flip flops for the year?

still on the topic of the snowstorm, it also gave me the opportunity to eat pancakes twice! once with peanut butter and maple syrup, and once with baked apples and brown sugar. mercyhouse has a gas stove, you see, so lalala we could cook!

please excuse this rather abrupt change of subject, but writing about mercyhouse made me think of it. it being this: i recently found recordings of the john sermon series from the spring of 2009. epic win.

speaking of abrupt changes of subject, i hung out with kiddos for a total of twenty-six hours last week. adeline and i read the Jesus storybook bible together <3 and with maeve, mairead, and baby shea, i colored and ran around and danced and sang. and did you know that kipper (the little puppy dog) likes to watch the stars too? just like me : )

she fills her time with laughter and tears and hearts, and is slowly learning how to agapé Jesus. she writes in riddles about the grit and glory of her journey. mostly grit.

but You sing to me over and over and over again.

and i lay my head back down

and i lift my hands and pray to be only Yours

i pray to be only Yours.

You are my only hope.

b. lalala speaking of food, i think it’s now safe to say that i’m officially addicted to chocolate covered sunflower seeds from trader joe’s. it’s a bit of a problem. maybe it’s cuz they remind me of commencement and 2011 and amandy and libby and my ofotwinnielovie and christiane my sunshine and donnieheart and kari boo and asantewaa and raheal and shout-out to all of the girlies who i graduated with. moho isn’t nearly as cool without the class of 2011.

c. things that i miss about being a mount holyoke student: being able to walk down the hall or across campus to see people i love and having heart-to-hearts in stairwells and hanging out at dinner for two hours in order to avoid homework and m&cs and a cappella jams and watching the cooks in blanchard and spontaneous dance parties at all hours of the day and night and spontaneous sleepovers and omelet sandwiches for dinner on sundays and dancing through the automatic doors that connect clapp to kendade and sacred symphonies. yep that’s right. sorry for the run-on sentence btw. what can i say? i’m out of school ; )

d. i have become fond of sitting on the porch in the pouring rain.

e. even when it’s impossible to see, Jesus is slowly transforming this heart into one that’s sewn up with the threads of truth and life.

f. i walked to umass and back barefoot the other night.

g. speaking of barefooted happenings, a few mornings ago, when i first woke up, i accidentally stepped on a cockroach (sorry buddy!). i’ve only seen him twice, both in the early mornings, and am therefore pretty sure that he doesn’t come out in the daytime. however, i hope that this incident was an isolated one. i’m more careful of where i put my foot down these days.

h. i got to skype with my soul sista on october 8^th.

i. last night, i hung out with temari! you see, i was headed to logan and got there with plenty of time to spare, so bella and i went adventuring to dorchester first. only got slightly lost! when i got there, we hugged and took a drive and talked about Jesus and valleys and hearts. needless to say, i love that girlie.

j. the other day, God sent me a sunset. it was so beautiful, in fact, that i sat down in the grass in the middle of my run and chilled there for awhile. be as one who is loved. be loved. beloved.

k. have i mentioned that my housemates rock? on thursday night, the five of us spontaneously went to abc and then had a dance party in the kitchen. got some classy video footage of it too : )

l. things that i don’t miss about being a mount holyoke student include fire drills and papers.

m. on tuesday, i learned how to properly secure adeline’s car seat base and carrier. then we went to the bank and deposited some checks for v.c. he-ey.

n. later that day, adeline fell asleep in my arms. p e a c e .

o. my head talks to my heart all the time these days.

p. yes, pandora, i am still listening. i know that you don’t like playing to an empty room. if i’m leaving the room, i will close you so that i don’t waste my allotted hours : p

q. i’m currently in the middle of approximately eight books. they are as follows: the bible (that one’s ongoing til i see Jesus up close), radical womanhood (feminine faith in a feminist world, for valley girlies), the celebration of discipline (the path to spiritual growth, for sunday afternoons with lois <3), when people are big and God is small (cuz i’m still a people pleaser, but have no fear, God is redeeming that), passion and purity (for that <3 of mine), the wounded healer (for ministry in contemporary society), the lost art of true beauty (the set-apart girl’s guide to feminine grace), and the sacred romance (drawing closer to the heart of God).

r. i recently read through some of my blog posts from ghana. wow! two years can bring much change.

s. speaking of change, i have lots of it in my wallet. miss erin counted it for me the other day at lunch: $8.06! i usually get flustered when i’m paying and just use dollars and acquire more cents, but one of these times i should use it up. either that or go to a coinstar : )

t. a few days ago, i signed up to sponsor one of God’s kids. his name is alex and he is six years old. he lives in uganda, my beautiful uganda : ) i can see You in his eyes.

u. by far the best part of the drive between amherst and south hadley these days is the fall foliage. a.k.a. the Creator is awesome.

v. still on the topic of traveling, i’ve gotten into the swing of taking the pvta whenever i’m going to campus (as opposed to other places in south hadley: to chill with babies or to ryan and christie’s). by far the best part of riding the pvta is pulling the string to signal that you want to get off at the next stop. sorta reminds me of MATE BUS STOP.

w. “let Me lift up your face, just don’t turn away.” –God.

x. i have many current favorite songs. one of them is times, by tenth avenue north. you should listen to it.

y. Savior, please keep on saving me.

z. good night moon, good night stars.

here i am, still. still in this place of wanting to build walls and hide behind them. i thought we were good on this. i thought every stone that needed to had been overturned. but still, i find myself scrambling, wanting to fix myself, and quickly. shouldn’t i be finished with this already?

my bible opens to psalm 139. fearfully and wonderfully made. even the darkness is not dark to You. and then comes a moment when flesh yields to spirit, and words are spoken from a holy Somewhere Else: I am not afraid of your darkness.

in these words, i can rest. i don’t need to try to hasten the process of becoming whole. tonight, i don’t need a solution for my questions of how long or why. i don’t need to force it.

my God tells me that He loves me in the midst of my darkness. He sees me here. He is not antsy, ready for me to be done with this already. He enters into this present moment, pulls up a chair, and sits with me in the silence, whispering peace to my heart.

so here i am. slowly, i am learning to rejoice in this place, unrushed and unafraid. because isn’t that what healing is, after all? that i have a God, a God-made-flesh, who was and is present in my pain. a God who has never left me, and promises that there is nothing that can make Him leave,

not even the darkness.

still on the topic of my housemates, <3. we pray together and eat ice cream. our first official house dinner is on sunday. and we’re having a house warming party! i’m going to make cindy’s bean dip (note to self: get that recipe).

my heart beats loudly.

yesterday, i got to hang out with one of the sweetest babies in the world. her name is adeline faith <3 we crawled around and baked toffee bars for game night and went for a walk down the street and listened to soft piano music. ya know, fireflies and songs. things like that.

dear temari, have i mentioned that i miss you? yep, that’s right. but i’m so glad that the emergency chocolate (and the letter!) arrived safely at your house. when we see each other next, we should go out for milk and tell stories and play on a playground and drink passion fruit smoothies.

i ran/walked four miles on monday! all the way to the first set of lights on 116, right before the bridge. i like going down the hills more than i like going up the hills : )

have i mentioned how much i heart the bebo norman pandora station? the vast majority of my allotted hours this month have been spent listening to him sing to me about the God of second chances. a page is turned. thank You Lord for beautiful things and thank You Lord for painful things. thank You for making painful things into beautiful things.

and so when we can’t trace God’s hand, we trust His heart.

SPEAKING OF VISITS. i’m going to see temari in boston on saturday! that’s less than a week away! YAYA WHAT WHAT.

i really want antonio’s for dinner. or breakfast for dinner. or a steak. mmm we’ll see.

yesterday morning, i did perhaps one of the most legit things i’ve done all week. this involved waking up at 5:30am and going for a run to my favorite spot to watch the sun come up over the mountains. have you heard about the story and the song? the heavens are singing about how great God is, and the skies are shouting it out. see what God has made! day after day, and night after night, they are speaking to us.

i see Your face in every sunrise

the colors of the morning are inside Your eyes

the world awakens in the light of the day

i look up to the sky and say

You’re beautiful.

the other afternoon, i drove from granby to south hadley with three little girls in my back seat. they giggled and danced to the music. it was an unexpectedly joyous occasion : ) <3

the highlight of thursday (prior to game night) was when kwadwo and i got there an hour early. lol stay with me here, this was a win, i promise. no one was home, so we sat on the front porch in rocking chairs and read the bible back and forth. and that is why i am convinced that (1) nothing can separate us from the love of Christ, (2) God’s grace is rewriting my life, and (3) the good Lord has a sense of humor.

i’m starting to really love the drive from amherst to south hadley (and from south hadley to amherst). good music + good scenery + good worship (eyes open) –> yesss.

we gotst a full house here : ) we’ve already made fancy breakfast and bonded over good conversation. prayed together too. woot!

priceless in value, you are handcrafted by the God who speaks life into existence. you can count on this: the past ended one second ago. from this point onward, you are a new creation.

lay down your weights.

bow chicka wow wow it’s not every day that two become one, but that’s just what’s going to happen by the grace of God on saturday. there’s going to be a handmade wedding! <3 a bunch of us from v.c. he-ey are headed to charlemont to celebrate with aaron and amanda when they go big and tie the knot. did you know that the heart is the strongest muscle of all? who could need more proof? in the words of donald miller, “no, life cannot be understood flat on a page. it has to be lived; a person has to get out of his head, has to fall in love, has to memorize poems, has to jump off bridges into rivers, has to stand in an empty desert and whisper sonnets under his breath.” that’s the way you do it right.

on a different note. aww the boarding house has a little mouse friend : ) i named him tom, because he is the boarding house mouse (rhymes). despite the fact that my ofotwinnielovie thinks he can’t possibly be cute and/or friendly – still love yew twinnie! – i beg to differ. he’s the most funnest mouse ever. i saw him in the kitchen last night, sort of like ratatouille, except that tom is a mouse, not a rat. he scurries and twitches his nose at you. you’ve gotta meet him.

speaking of the boarding house, things around here are relatively quiet these days. i’m moving to room #5 on sunday, and then pretty soon after that we’ll have a full house. i will continue to walk around the house each evening to check on things and pray : ) side-note: have i mentioned that i’m the r.a.? (rhymes again! pray and r.a.) yep, that’s right. i’ll be leading the first house meeting once the other girls have moved in. bow chicka wow wow, an interesting year indeed lies ahead.

temari, oh my gosh yo! i miss you! i’ve got a letter for you! let’s skype!

you know that the summertime is just about over when you start moving the mount holyoke girlies back into the dorms. and there will be A LOT of moving over the next few weeks. prayer request: this might sound strange, but for bella (my little blue subaru, rhymes yet again, i’m on a roll with this) to be so full of God’s presence that everyone who sits in that car will come to know the good Lord in new ways. a m e n .

i’m slowly learning : ) and in all things let us give thanks and praise to God. since he’s such an awesome Master Art Potter Person (unless you’re my soul sista, you’ll probs think that that’s a really weird phrase), he’s molding me into a gentle, strong, compassionate woman even when i can’t see it for the life of me. he ain’t ever gonna give up, and he’s not the type to break his promises or just up and leave. PRAISE GOD, I’M GONNA BE WHOLE.

i took off my shoes on sunday when we worshipped. here’s what we sang. it was powerful yo.

brothers, let us come together

walking in the Spirit, there’s much to be done.

we will come reaching, out from our comforts

and they will know us by our love.

sisters, we were made for kindness

we can pierce the darkness as He shines through us.

we will come reaching, with a song of healing.

and they will know us by our love.

the time is now

come church, arise.

love with His hands

see with His eyes.

bind it around you,

let it never leave you,

and they will know us by our love.

children, you are hope for justice,

stand firm in the truth now, set your hearts above

you will be reaching, long after we’re gone,

and they will know you by your love.